Two Emails

I opened my computer to find emails from two people I had not heard from in years. The first was from a retired co-worker, an expert in maps, now living in Australia. She wrote to offer her sympathies on the death of my mother. I thanked her before offering my condolences in return. Some months before my mother’s death, this co-worker’s life partner had passed away. I had heard about it but had not thought to commiserate.

The tone of her note stood out for being both sincere and professional. I recognized it as one of those learned life skills, like elocution or penmanship. It reminded me of a line of mourners at a funeral: Timing is everything there. No one wants to look impatient, nervous, or too grief stricken too early. The trick is to let the formality carry you along until you are face to face with the family of the deceased. Then raw grief will do its trick, melting through steely reserve in the sympathizer to expose genuine emotion, which, rather than adding...